There’s nothing wrong with you for hating your job

Tell me if you can relate with, or have even found yourself saying things like:

“Why does working here feel so hard for me and so easy for the people around me?”

“If only I could be more like everyone else {loud, expressive, engaged, interested, enthusiastic, you name it}, then maybe I wouldn’t struggle so much.”

“What’s wrong with me for not being able to like this?”

“I feel so guilty for having to fake it, when no one else seems to be doing that.”

It’s breaking my heart to hear how many people feel so sad, isolated, lonely and out of place day in and day out.

And what’s worse, most of them are suffering in complete silence. It’s not exactly advisable to tell people how you really feel, since doing so is a confession of how dissatisfied you are. If people around you knew that, you could potentially lose respect … or even your job, altogether.

So, you say nothing. You become more and more unhappy, disillusioned, and down in the dumps.

The worse you feel, the more you suspect there has to be something wrong with you. You must lack some vital element or ability that everyone around you somehow magically received.

But that just makes you more frustrated, because you can’t put your finger on what it is that’s wrong with you. Which depresses you even more … and so the cycle continues.

FIRST, LET’S ACKNOWLEDGE HOW THIS IS SHOWING UP

I have a client, Daphne, who is a natural introvert.

She’s not anti-social, but she doesn’t get her energy from being around people. Solitude and the ability to focus amidst peace and quiet are what do it for her.

But Daphne has an extrovert’s job. She has to interact with people day in and day out, whether that’s the people in her office or clients she’s trying to solve problems for over the phone.

It completely drains her because it’s so foreign to her true nature.

But instead of realizing that … she’s been beating herself up for not being extroverted enough.

Her thought process has sounded something like:

“I suck at this job. Everyone else in my office is so charming and easygoing and sociable. Why is this so hard for me? I’m clearly not good enough.”

I have another client, Kim, who just can’t get excited about the work her company is doing. She also chafes at having to sit at a desk from 9-5 every day, which seems unnecessary to her.

But her co-workers are excited, and all of them seem to love being there all day.

At this point, you can probably guess what she’s been saying to herself:

“What the heck is wrong with you, Kim? Why can’t you be grateful for what you have? People would kill for your job! You must not be appreciative enough, or dedicated enough, or engaged enough. You better work ten times harder to prove that you ARE dedicated and engaged.”

Kim is burnt out, exhausted, and at her wits end … because nothing she does feels good enough, regardless of how hard she works. Nothing she does is “fixing” how she feels.

HERE’S WHAT I TOLD BOTH OF THEM, AND WHAT I’M NOW TELLING YOU

Of course you hate your job.

And here’s why:

95% of us got where we are following a VERY similar pattern, which goes something like …

• Graduate from high school, enroll in college.
• Pick a major based on something you were good at in high school. If you’re lucky, you feel neutral, at best, about what you’re studying.
• Graduate from college with a degree in something that you’re, again, technically (as in, you have the skill to do it) good at.
• Take the first job you’re qualified for (and can actually get) because you’re in the real world now and the bills aren’t going to pay themselves.
• At best, you feel neutral about this first job. More likely, you grow disillusioned very quickly.
• In reaction to how much you dislike your job, you apply for others that you’re technically qualified to do and now have a bit more experience for.
• You hope the next one will be better. But it’s probably more of the same.
• … and the cycle repeats itself.

After looking at this pattern, the issue isn’t “Why don’t I like my job?” It’s, “You’re lucky if you don’t hate your job.”

It all happened so randomly and arbitrarily, didn’t it?

Never, not once, did you get to make a decision based on what you actually value and what you’re genuinely interested in and excited about.

No one ever asked you, “What are you deeply attracted to?” or “How much do you actually care about the path you’re on?”

Nope. You were an 18-year-old kid who chose a course of education — because you had to pick something — based on what you felt competent enough to get good grades in (and that you maybe sort of liked, if you were lucky), and then fours years later you had to start an entire career with THAT as your feeble foundation.

And then, completely un-shockingly, you end up disliking what you do, or how you do it … and we’re all somehow surprised by that?

IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT

Of course you’re going to hate your job (and feel disengaged, and unmotivated) when it’s completely misaligned with who you are and what you care about.

Why should we expect ourselves to love something that we didn’t get into for the right reasons?

Why should we be super motivated by something that we ended up with randomly, based pretty much on our technical skills and whatever experience is on our résumé?

Why should we thrive in an environment that isn’t suited to our personality?

I told Daphne and Kim, and now I’m pretty much begging you:

 Please stop beating yourself up for being misaligned with your job. It’s not your fault.

There’s no reason to punish yourself for ending up in a situation that doesn’t actually fit the whole of who you are.

Being good at something, having the technical skill to do it, and having some experience … this has NOTHING to do with what’s really important about a career: Whether or not you’re actually attracted to it, and whether or not the environment you’re doing it in suits you.

YOU CAN ONLY BE “WRONG” IF YOU REFUSE TO CHANGE THIS

There’s nothing wrong with Daphne for being an introvert.

What’s wrong is that instead of accepting her introversion and honoring that about herself, she’s been trying to force herself to be something she’s not.

It makes perfect sense why Kim is disengaged.

She’s incredibly attracted to freedom and flexibility (her Passion Profile is Firestarter). It’s clear to me that she has an entrepreneurial spirit and that she’d probably thrive if she got to work for herself.

But she’s in a job that’s perfect for a Tribe Member … and she’s surrounded by people who really want to be part of the company’s tribe.

The only thing that’s wrong with her is the fact that she’s been trying to make something work that’s never going to suit who she really is, and she’s punishing herself for not being able to manage it.

So please, let this be the last day that you beat yourself up, feel like crap, or ask “What’s wrong with me?”

There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re just in a situation that’s misaligned with who you really are and what you value.

The only thing you can do wrong is to stay where you are and let this continue.

I want to hear from you: How have you been feeling not good enough, and taking the blame by assuming something’s wrong with you? Share with me, in the comments.

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Much Love,

Rachel (+ Kristen)