How to find your tribe

The other weekend, I was curled up on a friend’s living room couch, sipping a mug of hot tea, and chatting with a few of my closest friends.

I looked around at the women in front of me, and a huge wave of gratitude hit me full force. If you ask me, there’s seriously nothing better than being surrounded by awesome people who unequivocally understand, accept, and love me, exactly as I am.

I know that, with this group of women, I never have to censor what I say, or hold back tears if they start to flow, or worry about if they’re judging me. There’s no part of me that feels like it needs to stay hidden and quiet in their presence. Whenever I’m with them, I feel like my whole body breathes a sigh of relief and I can be 100% myself.

Over the past few years, as I’ve become more me than I’ve ever been, I feel like I’ve been slowly attracting my “tribe.” These women are more than my friends — they’re my soul family. These are my people.

Sometimes, though, being with them brings back painful memories of the times when I didn’t have anything close to a tribe … when I felt like I didn’t totally belong anywhere.

WHEN IT FEELS LIKE NO ONE GETS YOU

Feeling like you don’t really fit in anywhere — like you don’t have a tribe of people who really get you and support you — well frankly, it’s awful. You can be in a room full of people and still feel lonely. You may start to wonder if you’re the weird one (you’re not), or if it’s really even possible to have such a strong, intimate group of friends now that you’re an adult (it is).

I’ve had multiple conversations with clients lately about this very feeling. They’re frustrated and lonely because they haven’t yet found their tribe. One client said…

“Don’t get me wrong, I have friends and we have fun together. But sometimes it feels like they don’t really ‘get me,’ you know? Like the relationship is kind of one-sided. And like our conversations are lacking the depth that I’m really craving. I just don’t feel like I’ve really found my ‘tribe’ yet.”

HOW TO FIND YOUR TRIBE

That made me reflect back and think, “Hmm, how did I find my tribe?” Because I certainly didn’t always feel like I had one. And now that I feel deeply rooted in my own amazing, and still growing tribe … I want everyone to know what this feels like.

I’m not going to say that this is unequivocally the only way to find your people, but this definitely worked for me.

1. Be unapologetically yourself

If you ever hope to deeply connect with people, then you’re going to have to be completely, unapologetically yourself. I know, I know, this is cliché advice, and I hate clichés. But honestly, if this doesn’t come first, then everything else I’m about to say is irrelevant. So stay with me here for a minute.

When you’re being totally yourself, you’ll magnetize the right people to you.

It’s like tuning to a specific radio station to hear the kind of music you like. If you’re tuned to the wrong station, you’ll hate all the songs and start to think there’s no good music out there anymore. Not true … you’re simply on the wrong station.

Being yourself is like tuning to the right social radio station — the more full-out YOU you’re being, the more tribe-like people you’re naturally going to attract.

{I feel like I should give a warning that if you’re being yourself, not everyone will understand or appreciate you — in fact, some people may actively dislike or ignore you. But that’s OK. You’re not trying to befriend everyone on the planet — you’re seeking out a handful of YOUR people.}

Start by recognizing the places where you know you’re definitely NOT being yourself (for me, this was my old workplace), and try bringing just a little bit more of your authentic personality into that setting. How would you be even the tiniest bit more YOU?

2. Plan your life according to the 9-out-of-10 rule

The 9-out-of-10 rule is simple: Only say “yes” to things that you’d rank as at least a 9 out of 10. (That’s according to your own personal scale, based on your interests, values, and personality.)

This goes for events, social invites, projects, classes, hobbies, creative settings, fitness classes, virtual communities, etc. When you’re only saying yes to things you absolutely love, then 1) it’ll be easier for you to be yourself in that setting, and 2) you’ll find other people who love what you love. When you’re being YOU in a setting that feels totally exciting and deeply comfortable, your chances of connecting with your potential tribe members are huge.

If you’re half-heartedly showing up somewhere out of obligation or FOMO, you’re WAY less likely to bump into your people.

3. Get vulnerable

Even if you’re surrounded by awesome, likeminded people, you won’t build your tribe if you’re not willing to open up and have deep conversations, even when it feels vulnerable.

Small talk doesn’t lead to soul friendships. You have to open up and get vulnerable.

At my last job, I felt like no one really understood me on a deep level. I had some friends and acquaintances, but there was no one who I deeply connected with. (Or so I thought.)

I’d pretty much written off ever having great work relationships … until I heard that one of my co-workers (a woman who I’d only chatted casually with a handful of times) had submitted a video to try to win a scholarship for Marie Forleo’s B-School (a course for online entrepreneurs).

Nervously, I peeked into her office and said, “Psst, I heard you made a video for B-School.” I watched an “Oh, shit, someone found me out” expression wash across her face briefly, until I continued with, “…I made one, too.”

It was vulnerable to admit to someone I barely knew that I wanted to leave that job and start my own business. But it opened up space for a real conversation, and now that co-worker is one of my very favorite people on the planet and absolutely a tribe member.

For you, getting vulnerable might mean opening up about yourself. Or stating how you really feel about something. Or asking someone on a friend date (“Hey, wanna grab coffee soon?”). It’s uncomfortable at first, but it’s absolutely necessary for deep connections.

4. Trust your gut feelings along the way

I don’t care how awesome someone looks on paper or how much you seem to have in common; there are people you’re going to connect with and others who you just never will. Finding your tribe is a lot like dating — there’s chemistry or there’s not, and you can’t force it.

As you’re getting to know someone, check in with your intuition.

Do you feel relaxed and easy around them? Or do you feel like conversation and connection is strained? Your gut feelings will make it clear if you’ve found a potential tribe member or not. You’ll intuitively know if there’s a natural connection or if it feels forced.

5. Be patient

You might hate this part (and I don’t blame you), but the truth is … finding your tribe may take a little longer than you’d like. These people are rare gems — they’re a small minority of the people you’re going to meet on a daily basis. That’s what makes them so special.

The good news is that you don’t need a ton of them. In fact, you really only need to start with one! It’s not up to you to find your entire tribe. Just focus on creating that deep, soulful connection with one person, and they’ll naturally lead you to another … and another … and another. And before you know it, you’ll find yourself sitting on a friend’s couch, nearly in tears of gratitude for finally having your own tribe.

So tell me, have you already found your tribe, or are you still looking for them? How does this resonate with you today? Leave me a comment to let me know!

Much Love,

Kristen (+ Rachel)