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You know how it goes …
You see someone’s incredible vacation photos on social media, while you watch the rain pour down outside your tiny office window (or, worse, as you stare at the windowless grey walls of your cube).
Or you hear about an old friend who just got an amazing promotion at a company you’d kill to work at.
Or your coworker gushes about how sweet her husband was for surprising her with concert tickets for their one-year anniversary, while you haven’t even been on a date in months.
The envy starts to creep in, and you’re left feeling annoyed, resentful, deflated, or just plain sad.
The worst part of jealousy is the self-judgment and shame that often comes along with it. Many of my clients, after embarrassedly sharing a situation where they felt envious, will say things like, “I have to plaster on a smile and fake excitement, even though I feel like the jealousy is strangling me. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just be happy for that person??”
I’m guilty of this, too — both feeling jealous and judging myself for it.
Back when I was in school, I used to get really nervous about public speaking, so I was naturally super jealous of people who could speak in front of a crowd with total ease and confidence. I wanted to be the kind of person who had valuable things to say and spoke about them effortlessly and confidently.
But then I would get embarrassed for feeling jealous and pretend like I didn’t actually care about sharing my voice. Feeling ashamed of my jealousy caused me to disown a deep desire of mine.
Thankfully, in the past few years I not only released my fear of speaking up and sharing my voice … I also stopped feeling guilty and ashamed of my jealousy.
In fact, I now love when I get jealous because I believe it’s one of the very best tools for figuring out what you’re passionate about, making authentic decisions, and getting over analysis paralysis.
JEALOUSY IS INCREDIBLY CLARIFYING
Think of the world as a massive catalogue of potential life choices.
Every person you encounter — family members, friends, coworkers, the guy in line at Starbucks, the girl you’ve never met but follow on Instagram — is displaying a particular set of life possibilities that’s available to you. You’ll discover countless career choices, personality traits, parenting styles, relationship dynamics, vacation destinations, health lifestyles, etc.
You’re constantly being presented with more and more possible life choices. And because of technology and our increasingly interconnected world, we’re aware of more options than ever before in human history. It’s incredibly exciting, and also likely to send you straight into analysis paralysis.
With so many potential life choices, it can feel impossible to distinguish what you want in life.
That’s why jealousy is so important.
Every time you feel jealous about something, it’s because you want some version of that. In a world full of countless choices, your jealousy is one of the best clarifying tools to narrow down your options based on what you deeply want.
You may not want the exact version of whatever you’re jealous of, but it’s triggering a deep desire that’s worth exploring.
JEALOUSY IS NOT THE SAME AS ADMIRATION
In order to get the most clarifying power out of your jealousy, you’ll need to be able to distinguish it from admiration, respect, and generally feeling impressed.
I admire, respect, and am super impressed by the U.S. women’s gymnastic team who absolutely dominated in this year’s Olympics. I swear, those girls defy physics.
But I wouldn’t say I feel jealous of them. I don’t want to be a gymnast or win Olympic gold medals. I just appreciate their talent without any personal attachment.
Jealousy, on the other hand, feels more personal. It’s distinguished by a deep craving, a longing for something you wish you had. If you feel truly jealous, it shines a glaring spotlight on some area of your life you wish were different.
That’s how you can be sure there’s a desire underneath of it.
HOW TO LET GO OF YOUR SHAME AROUND JEALOUSY AND USE IT FOR GOOD
Because jealousy can feel so uncomfortable, most of us have an unconscious, negative reaction to it. Here are some of the most common ways I see people act when they feel jealous:
- They criticize or somehow discredit the person they’re jealous of to make themselves feel better. (“Sure, she has a gorgeous home, but I bet she’s drowning in debt to pay for it.”)
- They criticize themselves for feeling jealous in the first place. (“If I were a better person, I’d be happy for them instead of jealous.”)
- They assume other people have something they don’t. (“If I had my best friend’s courage, I’d ask for a raise just like she did.”)
- They feel like they’re falling behind. (“Everyone on Facebook is happily married, and I’m still single. I’m so behind!”)
Here’s what to do instead:
- Stop judging your jealousy and remember it’s there to help you.
- Send gratitude toward the person you’re jealous of for shining a spotlight on a deep desire of yours.
- Question it! What about that do you really want? Why do you want it?
- Then ask yourself, what might you have to do to get closer to that thing you want?
HOW OTHER PEOPLE HAVE MADE THE SHIFT
One client of mine, Emily, confided that she felt a huge surge of jealousy at a wedding she’d recently attended. At first she didn’t understand why she felt green with envy while watching the newly married couple, since she was there with her long-time boyfriend.
Once we questioned her jealousy, however, it became clear that she wasn’t happy in her relationship anymore. Watching the blissfully happy couple on their wedding day threw into stark contrast how disengaged she felt in her current relationship. As difficult as it was, that realization gave her the courage to end a relationship that wasn’t right for her, which opened her up to one that was.
Another client, Julie, was a working mom who always believed she wanted to “have it all” — the career, the marriage, the kids, the house, everything. She was always silently judging stay-at-home moms for “giving up on their careers.”
One day, though, she admitted to me that she was actually secretly jealous of those stay-at-home moms. Her judgment was just a way of masking a desire that she had disowned. When she finally gave herself permission to accept her desire to stay at home more often with her kids, she quit her full-time job for a 10-hour-a-week position, and now she’s so much happier.
Yet another client, Stephen, started working for himself, which was a long-time dream of his. He expected to be ecstatic to work totally on his own, according to his own vision and schedule, but quickly found himself jealous of his friends who got to work with co-workers and teammates every day.
That jealousy revealed his desire for collaboration and teamwork, which had become practically nonexistent since quitting his job. So he started developing partnerships with other local business owners and created a mastermind group that met twice a month to get that sense of camaraderie and collaboration.
There’s no shame in jealousy. It’s just a tool to help you clarify your deepest desires.
The next time you feel jealous, remember that you don’t have to mutter “congrats” through gritted teeth, or try to “snap yourself out of it,” or feel ashamed and berate yourself for your envy. Instead, recognize it as the helpful, clarifying tool that it is for helping you identify what you really want so you can go after it.
Now I’d love to hear from you: Tell me about a time you recently felt jealous. Looking back through this new perspective, what did that jealousy reveal about a deeper desire you have? Let me know, in the comments.
Much Love,
Kristen (& Rachel)
IF YOU LIKED THIS, THEN YOU’LL ALSO LOVE …
Stop looking for evidence of what you don’t want
How to get out of Analysis Paralysis
Are you tired of pretending to be someone you’re not?
How to transform knowing what you DON’T want into knowing what you DO want
Thanks for your share. I don’t know I’m not a jealous person or I’m in the industry of giving people hope and we say that having jealousy or resentment is actually drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. I guess everybody has it a little bit, but should be to a healthy extent. When I can see that I’ve touched one life for giving somebody hope of success and getting out of their darkness is very rewarding I love to see successful people make the world a positive place. Just like performing at work, if I’m successful, then the company successful.
TL — I absolutely agree that when you let jealousy make you critical, judgmental, or upset, it’s definitely bad for everyone, including yourself! But when you let your jealousy be nothing more than a guiding light toward your desires, without judging it, then you can pursue what will make you happiest, and that will benefit everyone around you. You’re right — when one person is successful, then the company is successful. Thanks for sharing your take on this!
Such amazing insight! I love the idea of not hating yourself or thinking less of yourself for being jealous but using that as a tool to really figure out what you want out of life. While I’m very career focussed I would love to get married and have children one day. I admit to feeling jealous when another friend of mine settles down and while I want that for myself sometimes I feel I’m not cut out for marriage or that I won’t be able to manage it all and so stay stagnant 🙁
Sherrie — I’m so glad you’re on board with the idea of not hating yourself or judging yourself for feeling jealous. There’s too much of that in the world already! It makes perfect sense that you feel jealous when friends of yours settle down and start a family, since that’s something you deeply want. And here’s another Truth: If you deeply want something, you’ve already got what it takes to make it a reality. You wouldn’t desire it in the first place if you didn’t have the capacity to pursue it. So if you want to get married and have kids, there’s already a part of you that’s fully capable of managing it all. I have no doubt about that!
Very insightful. Your blog made me stop, think, and reevaluate. I really appreciate your point of view. Thank you!
Thanks, Leah! That’s my goal every time I write a blog, so I’m glad this one hit the mark! 🙂
Me too pure genious
Nice sharing !Put jealousy in another perspective , which is great! .
So , here is my jealously , for yesterday .
I’m recently building my follower in Instagram , making pretty awesome content *at least I think . I gained follower but in snail’s phase. Then , I check out my friends account , they have more followers than me , but their content is just , a regular content .So, I’m gonna think this want out , what I really want 🙂
Glad this shifted your perspective about jealousy, Joshua! It sounds to me like what you most want is to build a following on Instagram by simply being yourself and sharing things that you think are helpful, interesting, or generally awesome. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you so much for helping 🙂
I have loved the article next time i get the feeling i will look at it from a different level.
I’m happy that this post resonated for you, Zipporah, and that you’re willing to look at your jealousy through a new lens!
This post is phenomenal. It has utterly changed how I respond emotionally to others’ successes and how I envision my life moving forward. I feel happy for their success, and I find myself more appreciative of those individuals. I found myself asking why I envy friends who have gone on to academic positions at universities. I realized it is because I so enjoyed mentoring people in that stage of life when I was a senior in college, that I deeply wished I could do that again. I also loved the history and philosophy of universities, of feeling part of something so much bigger than myself in so many ways. Now I’m looking into career opportunities that might allow me to mentor and interact with young adults and be part of an academic institution or a similar organization.
Do you have any thoughts on insecurity? I’m trying to reshape how I view and respond to insecurity as well.
Thank you- you guys are amazing!
Another way people deal with jealousy is discount the thing they are jealous about. For example, when they are jealous of someone’s house, they say ‘why would anyone want a huge house?’ Thanks for the insight. I already started thinking about things I’m jealous about in order to get information about what is impotant to me.
So true, Deana! I see people doing that ALL the time. Very observant of you!
Glad this post has helped you start to look for the positive, helpful side of your jealousy. Thanks for reading!
I now feel good used to blame myself for feeling jealous.
Love that! Glad this changed your perspective on jealousy. 🙂
This was so enlightening and has helped me more than I can express in words. – I’m 45yrs old. I ended a 5yr engagement, moved into my own home, but we’ve remained friends for 2yrs now. The first yr was really rough, he was constantly trying to get back together. But by the second yr he started to get his confidence back, and our friendship has blossomed. We truly became each other’s best friends. We talk every day, hangout every couple weeks. I still see his teenage son ect. And I hate to admit it but we’ve even slept together a few times.
Now I DID know he had been going on dates now and then. Which I was happy about, I figured thats what contributed to his confidence boot. But I told him I just didn’t want to hear about any of the details lol. Because you know, that dreaded irrational emotion…jealousy. And I’m not going to lie, I think I somehow believed in the back of my head that he would just always love only ME. Which is stupid, not to mention selfish because I didn’t want to get back with him. He still isn’t emotionally mature enough. He still gets into extreme financial issues. And more.
But a little over a month ago he he started being less available. Started chatting less. Then he finally told me he’s seeing someone, and its getting serious. And i have been LOOSING MY MIND. Like to the point I felt like I was going crazy. Plus sick to my stomach, hands shaking when he calls, just ridiculous.
I’ve been trying to figure out what is wrong with me, why am I feeling like this. I even blamed him for not telling me he was on dating apps. But what you article helped me realize is this – When I left him, I had resolved to live alone. Like to be alone forever. I know that sounds dramatic, but I basically just had kinda gotten to the point where I would just rather be by myself. I don’t know if I believe relationships can really be successful after a certain age. So I wanted to just be on my own, and I was perfectly happy about that, and content. (Probably because I wasn’t exactly alone, I still had my ex as my best friend.) So what your article made me realize is that it’s not a relationship with HIM that I’m truly jealous of. It’s having that one person that knows me better than anyone else and vice versa, who has my back, and a few similar interests. Basically I realized I don’t want to be completely alone after all.
It’s still going to take a little time to get use to this new situation. But I sincerely wish there was a way to express how thankful I am for this article. You saved me from crying myself to sleep like a teenager, and feeling like I’m loosing my sanity.
I’m so happy this helped you, Emily.💞 It sounds like, ultimately, this may be exactly what you need, despite how hard it is. It’s difficult to believe you can have a happy, healthy relationship when you’re still grasping onto many aspects of the old one. Him moving on with someone else is giving you the opportunity to explore your own baggage, heal from it, and eventually attract the kind of relationship you deserve! If you want some solid advice on becoming healthy with romantic relationships, I’d give Kelsey Grant (@radicalselflove on IG) a follow!
Recently, seeing young women spending time together doing fun things, going on trips, studying, doing hobbies together, on social media or irl has been triggering some jealousy and even resentment in me. The deeper reason that explains why I’m having this reaction is that I’m really lonely and I only spend time with my husband and his friend groups. I can’t seem to make any new friends. In the last 3 years, the only new friend I made was my brother-in-law’s girlfriend…they recently broke up and she moved away. I’m 23 and on the introverted side. My instinct is to criticize myself or just stop thinking about it. What can you do, anyway? No one owes anyone friendship. And at this point I’m kind of bitter and melancholic about it. I have very little energy or optimism to try.
I do have some of that clarifying jealousy in other aspects of life, too, such as career and health. However, those don’t feel oppressive and depressing because those things are attainable and I can physically do something to get closer to those goals. It’s very convenient that I can use my jealousy to get closer to what I want.
I loved this article. Thank you, Krachel ❤️ Also love the pod!!