Side Chat: When your feelings are ignored, scorned, & gaslit

your feelings

Click the play button below, or subscribe and listen through our podcast on iTunes, Stitcher, Google Play, or Spotify.


If you hadn’t noticed, we’re big advocates for feeling your feelings. What’s the alternative? Being shut down, repressed, or so bent out of shape that the slightest twinge of anger or sadness causes you pain? Uh thank you, but next.

But we realized we haven’t told you one of the most IMPORTANT parts about feeling your feelings in a healthy way:

Not everyone can be trusted to handle you and your feelings. 

In this month’s brand-new side chat, we’re getting into what to do when other people ignore, scorn, diminish, deride, and gaslight you and your feelings. We’re talking about…

  • The long-term symptoms of not being allowed to express your feelings to others.
  • How to process the pain of people minimizing, scorning, or gaslighting you.
  • How to recognize whether someone can be trusted to meet your needs, emotionally and otherwise.

After you’ve listened, leave a comment to let us know how this episode resonated with you!


THE PPVE IS COMING BACK (ONE LAST TIME!)

Our online group coaching program, the Passion Plan Virtual Experience, will open for enrollment for the last time EVER next Tuesday, January 21, through January 29 (or when we hit 50 people, whichever comes first).

  • It’s a 6-week course that helps you figure out what to do with your life. Think of it as the “AP Life” class you should have taken in high school, but never got the chance!
  • The content is a mix of videos, workbook assignments, and interaction with us and the rest of the group in a private forum.
  • You’ll have forever access to the content, even though this is the last time we’re running the course.
  • We’re only taking 50 people in this round, and enrollment is first-come, first-served. If you want in, you definitely don’t want to dally.

Early bird enrollment will be going on from Tuesday the 21st through Friday the 24th. That means if you sign up before then, you can get the course for $369 instead of the usual $469.

Check out all the details here!

IF YOU WANT MORE EPISODES LIKE THIS, LISTEN TO…

Emotional constipation with Joanna Platt (April 2018)

Side Chat: We are not the crazy ones! (How to tell if you’re a highly sensitive person) (April 2018)

Side Chat: How to get through life’s big transitions (September 2018)

Bonus Book Club! Dodging Energy Vampires by Christiane Northrup (May 2019)

Healing the worthiness wound with Thais Sky (October 2019)

Blog: Stop torturing yourself with other peoples’ potential (December 2019)

LINKS

Take the Passion Profile Quiz

Submit your question for a future episode of Dear Krachel

Check out our YouTube channel

13 Comments // ADD COMMENT

13 comments

  • JoAnn

    Hi Girls,
    I listened to your message today and as always I could relate. As a child it wasn’t taken well by my father if I expressed my feelings, children were meant to be seen and not heard. And he always belittled my mother which made me feel bad for her. So now as an adult I keep my opinion to myself to avoid conflict especially in the work place. You two have so much good and down to earth information and I really enjoy listening to your podcasts. Thank you for all you do!

    • Kristen Walker

      JoAnn — Unfortunately the experience you described is far too normal. Even the most well-meaning parents can stifle their kids’ feelings, which can make it so much harder to express your thoughts/emotions later in life. I’m glad you’re aware of this pattern and working to change it, though! Glad this episode resonated with you, and thanks for being such a loyal listener!

  • maria

    Thanks for this side chat- really resonates. I was always branded ‘overly sensitive’ as a kid because I was very very shy and couldn’t take any pain, I was ill a a lot with major heart defect and asthma and always frightened. I was also hit as a child if I cried or showed any weakness. As an adult, I’ve struggled with anger. I rarely used to express my opinion or disagreement with something and certainly in close relationships – and my frustration at bottling stuff up would always explode into anger outbursts. Recently Ive noticed I express myself more, but negative and defensive reactions from the other parties mean that I have big fights with them then just have to cut them out completely. I hate confrontation, and cant seem to do it without exploding into anger. That’s made me lose a lot of friends. Im starting to understand my triggers better and hoping the next step is to get better at expressing myself before it gets to total rage outburst stage!

    • Kristen Walker

      Maria, I’m so sorry that you were hit as a child when you cried or showed too much emotion. That’s terrible and NEVER warranted. And as if that’s not traumatic enough, you were also dealing with serious health issues and naturally scared a lot. So it’s no wonder you’ve struggled with expressing your emotions ever since! It’s normal for anger to be the first emotion to burst forth (after years of not expressing yourself) because you had so much of it built up. You’re right that expressing yourself earlier can lead to fewer rage explosions, and that’ll also lead to feeling comfortable expressing more emotions too. Be gentle with yourself, though—this healing process is not an overnight thing! You’re definitely on the right path.

  • K

    Thanks for this podcast, it really makes a difference when I’m reminded that though I’m on a different path, or on a path that’s actually only my own, the hurt and struggles I have are present in everyone’s life journey. It sure really sucks being betrayed especially by the ones you most expect to not betray you. Maybe it’s somehow connected, but I just remembered Gru’s mom from Despicable Me. It’s funny to see in the movie how his mom practically don’t give a shit about any of his achievements–it’s funny but then it is actually so sad. I guess other than keeping your not so good feelings to yourself, there are also times when a person is made to learn not to delight or celebrate in his/her own achievements because it made to look small or insignificant. And that has to be grieved. Sometimes your tribe is not in your own family. But I’ve come to understand that it’s not because they suck (or that I suck). Like what you gals said, hurt people hurt people. Zooming out my focus let’s me see the bigger picture and consider the background story the other person may have. But that is more effective when I get to see clearly what my own backstory is. Thanks again, God bless you ladies, your insights and words of encouragement is like a nice warm (or cool) shower on a stressful, moody day.

    • Kristen Walker

      K—you’re so right, there’s not much worse than feeling betrayed by those closest to you who can’t handle your emotions, whether they’re negative OR positive! I love the movie Despicable Me (so cute and funny!), and I also remember my heart breaking when Gru’s mom kept ignoring all of his achievements, no matter how big they got. It’s so painful when your family in particular diminishes or judges your emotions. You’re right, though—you can find your own tribe! And the clearer you see your own backstory, the more empathy you can have for others’. Thanks for sharing how this resonated for you.

  • Mimi

    Thank you so much for approaching this topic and once again really saying so much good stuff. I am an HSP and as a child, I was constantly told that I was “too sensitive” I was not allowed to have my feelings yet others looked to me for emotional support because they sensed and could see I understood. This cost me a lot in energy and was just super confusing and hurtful! It’s taken me a while to sort through a lot of that. I love how you said about having a big open gentle heart and a big ol’ fence, and if there is no respect then that person is not worthy of your openheartedness.

    • Rachel East

      Hi Mimi,

      I think you bring up a really great point about the dual nature of being a HSP. On the one hand, you’re told you’re too sensitive and have to shut down or contain your feelings. On the other, people expect you to be supportive and sensitive to them and THEIR needs. But what about OUR needs, huh?? You’re right that that dynamic is really draining, confusing, and hurtful. Glad this one resonated with you! 🙂

  • CP

    Thank you for this episode – it was so helpful, insightful, and validating that I listened to it twice. In addition to helping me personally, I’m even going to try and be more mindful as a mother in how I respond to the feelings of my children.
    If you have a link to Danielle LaPorte’s episode – Open Gentle Heart, Big F*$#ing Fence, I’d like to listen to that. You both do great work!

  • Jen

    Little behind in listening to this but so glad I was. I have been dealing with a lot at work recently and after a meeting I had yesterday this was something that I needed to hear. I have been working in my industry for 12 years and never once have I worked someplace where my feelings about the workplace been ignored until now. I guess I was a bit naive in thinking that everyone respected everyone’s feelings; in hindsight I should have attributed that to 13 years of Quaker school. This was a great reminder that not everyone needs to know how you feel and will definitely be a lesson that I take with me in however my current role plays out and in future roles.

    • Rachel East

      It’s sad that you actually had a GOOD experience in school (people acknowledging and respecting your feelings), but that the real world hasn’t been able to match that. I think it’s good, though, that you’ve had the experience of people respecting your feelings! Some people literally have no idea what that’s like!