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A client of mine recently wrote to me saying:
“I feel like at my age, I’m SO far behind and need to be insanely productive every single day.”
She was referring to feeling behind in her career, which is something I hear all the time from my clients (regardless of their age). But feeling behind can spill into every area of your life.
If your friends start getting married while you’re still single, it can make you feel behind.
When your colleagues all have mortgages and you’re still renting a tiny apartment, it can make you feel behind.
When you scroll through social media and see all of your high school friends posting baby pictures, it can make you feel behind.
If you see someone else living out your dream career and you’re still stuck at the same old company, it can make you feel behind.
WHAT’S GOING ON TO MAKE US ALL FEEL LIKE WE’RE FALLING BEHIND?
It makes sense why so many of us are feeling this way. For the first 18 (or more) years of our lives, we’re all pretty much on the same trajectory. While we’re in school, our paths are mostly laid out for us. We’re among peers, growing and going through the same milestones at the same general pace.
Then, after high school or college, we start going off on different paths, and the comparison about “who’s ahead” and “who’s behind” starts to gets murky.
So, because we don’t have clear indicators of measuring progress anymore — the way we did when we were in school — we end up comparing how “behind” we are based on external things we can see, like promotions, marriages, kids, houses, and other external mile markers.
But we forget that these factors are completely irrelevant.
Many of the people you see with all of the external things aren’t necessarily happy and content with their lives. (Trust me on this one — I’ve coached a lot of those people, and I know what’s going on under the surface of that carefully curated Instagram feed!)
So because we’re all human, which means we’re not going to be able to live in a bubble and stop comparing ourselves to other people, let’s come up with a new way of measuring our progress. One that’s true and accurate and takes into account what deeply matters.
ONE BIG SHIFT TO STOP FEELING BEHIND
I’ll admit, I used to feel weighed down by the “I’m so behind in life!” mentality, too.
It felt like, everywhere I looked, people were progressing faster than me. Hitting milestones earlier, climbing the ranks with more ease, figuring things out faster, leaving me in the dust wondering, “How did I fall so far behind?”
I thought the reason I felt this way was because I was doing something wrong. Maybe I’d focused on the wrong things after graduation, or maybe I just wasn’t meant to have the things that seemed to come so easily to other people.
But that wasn’t it at all. My comparison actually had nothing to do with what had happened (or NOT happened) in my life so far. It had everything to do with how I was feeling about my life at the time.
When I was unhappy with my job or my living situation or my social life, my first instinct was to look around and assume the reason for my unhappiness was because I lacked something that other people had.
But now I know better.
At this point in my life, I still haven’t hit a lot of the life milestones for a happy existence, according to societal norms (marriage, kids, house with a big backyard, luxurious vacations, etc.), but I no longer worry about being behind. That’s because I genuinely like the life I’ve built for myself because it aligns with what I most care about.
The reason I was unhappy before wasn’t because I was “behind” … it was because I didn’t know how to measure my life according to the things that actually matter to me.
A NEW WAY TO MEASURE YOUR PROGRESS IN LIFE
So here’s how I measure my life nowadays to asses my progress and my happiness in a much deeper, more fulfilling way. I think these metrics apply to just about everyone, but feel free to edit this list based on what matters most to you:
- How fulfilled I feel on a regular basis. For me personally, this comes down to the kind of impact I’m having on other people and on the world at large. If I’m promoting positivity (especially nowadays, in the midst of so much negativity) to even one person, I can confidently check this box.
- How happy and content I feel each day. In my definition, this means creating a life of freedom, ease, creativity, deep connection, and LOTS of spaciousness. It has almost nothing to do with what I have or whether I’ve “made it” in life.
- The quality of my relationships. When I look around at all of the amazing people I’ve attracted into my life who I can be 100% myself with, I know I’m doing something right.
- How well I’m taking care of my health. By this I mean holistic health — physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.
- My focus on personal growth and constant learning. There’s a great quote out there that says, “If you’re not growing, you’re dying.” I feel this on a personal level. When I’m stagnating, it feels like soul death. I always want to be learning something new.
If these are more accurate factors for determining how “ahead” or “behind” you are in life, then you’ve probably made way more progress than you thought.
Plus, the beauty of this new list of metrics for measuring happiness and progress is that you can achieve all of these things, in some way or another, regardless of your life circumstances!
SO WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU STOP FEELING BEHIND AND ADOPT THIS NEW METRIC FOR PROGRESS
- You’re not allowed to compare your life with someone else’s social media highlight reel because you have no idea how that person measures up to your new criteria for success.
- You seek out people who are genuinely happy and fulfilled so you can learn from them, instead of isolating yourself from the people who have all of the external stuff you think you want (because they inadvertently make you feel bad).
- You stop burning yourself out trying to make up for lost time because you realize that you’re much further along than you thought you were.
- You seek out experiences that bring you joy, excitement, and deep contentment, instead of reactively chasing external career and life mile markers in an attempt to “catch up” (which likely won’t make you happy anyway).
Look, it’s OK to still want to hit those external mile markers. It’s natural to want the great job, the family, the beautiful house, and all of that. You want those things for a reason, and it’s even perfectly natural to feel jealous when you have a strong desire for something. I’m certainly not telling you not to want the things you want. I’m just asking you to seriously question WHY you want those things in the first place.
Pursuing external markers of success simply because you feel “behind” isn’t the right reason and isn’t going to lead to the results you want. On the other hand, when you make pursuing your NEW (internal) metrics for measuring progress the ones you care most about, the external ones are bound to follow naturally.
So have you been feeling behind lately? How will you define your new mile markers for measuring your progress? Leave a comment to let me know!
Much Love,
Kristen (& Rachel)
IF YOU LIKED THIS, YOU SHOULD ALSO LISTEN TO…
Why I love jealousy (and you should, too) (April 2018)
Stop looking for evidence of what you don’t want (November 2018)
Do you want it? Or do you only think you SHOULD want it? (January 2019)
Side Chat: The 4 Passion Profiles (December 2018)
LINKS
Find out more about the Passion Profile Short Course
Very true ideas. I never liked the herd mentality that makes people get married, have babies and buy houses because “everyone is doing it”. Didn’t your Mom used to say “if everyone was jumping off a cliff would you?”
Anyway. I only regret that I invested so much effort in my nonprofit career and made only meager success while being so poor that I didn’t marry and have kids which were things that I also longed to do. But I thank God I’m don’t get depressed over things like the size of my yard- many of these consumerist values a killing our planet.
I’m sure my mom has used the phrase, “If everyone was jumping off a cliff, would you?” at least a couple of times in my life! 🙂 I’m glad to hear you’ve always been the kind of person who questions why you want things, instead of doing things just because “that’s what’s done.”
And as for regretting never pursuing things that you longed for, like getting married and having kids, I say it’s never too late!
This is so true. Lots of my friends have “careers” and make money, are either buying houses or planning to buy them. It always made me feel like I’m a failed adult. I had some serious anxiety attacks thinking about how old I am and how little I’ve achieved so far. But thankfully I have the most amazing partner, and every time I felt like I should make more money, or perhaps start saving for a car or a house, he would ask me “do you even want to have a house/car/that crappy job?” And usually, I actually don’t want all that.
And social media is a horrible thing. I’m trying to stay off them as much as I can, because they only show what people want you to see. You usually read how people get promoted, travel, go for concerts etc. Friends of mine recently had a baby and judging from their facebook feed is was all perfect bliss. You’d think they have a flawless relationship and there’s only joy in their lives. But when I meet with them in person, they tell a different story. So that helped me stop caring what people post online. Everybody struggles sometimes.
You’re so right! Social media definitely only tells a partial, more polished story of someone’s life. We do all struggle and doubt ourselves sometimes, and I guarantee you that all of those people with seemingly sparkly, perfect lives on social media are also feeling behind sometimes, just like you. I’m glad you have such a supportive partner to talk you down when you’re feeling anxious. You’re doing just fine, promise! 🙂
I started a new way of using Facebook recently – because even when I was content in my own life I could get those common feelings of jealousy that can crop up. I didn’t want to delete people because most of them I didn’t have a problem with as people.
I also didn’t want to delete my Facebook account either because there are parts of Facebook that I genuinely love – friends who’s posts I find witty and hilarious, private Facebook groups where I chat with my book club, keeping in touch with people I really connected with when I lived overseas.
So I started to think ‘how can I make Facebook work for me?’ – so I’ve been slowly unfollowing almost every feed, being brutally honest about the friends I had where their achievements made me jealous or resentful rather than happy for them.
I only see the newsfeed of about 10% of my Facebook friends now, as well as the pages I’ve liked that I find the most interesting.
I find it freeing to not have the social markers thrown in my face all the time – something previous generations did not have to deal with! But also getting to keep the advantageous and connectedness social media can bring to people, means I get the best of both worlds!
This is amazing! I love the idea of making Facebook work for you, instead of always feeling reactive to whatever posts it decides to throw your way each day. That way you’re getting to benefit from the best part of Facebook (keeping up connections that you value) without feeling weighed down by all the rest of the “noise” that just brings negativity and needless comparison. What a great idea! Thanks for sharing, Samantha.
This article helped me from getting anxiety attacks! i so wanted to read something like this. 🙂 Thank you. I feel better & atleast i dont feel like a loser now. Life is so difficult 🙁
So happy to hear this helped you, Swati!
I’ve found a place where I find peace of mind,this was really helpful and it made a big difference in my life thank you all guys,whenever I feel hopeless again,I’ll let you know,thank you. ❤️😃
I’ve graduated last month and finally became a software engineer, I’m 25 years old close to 26. During my studies I’ve always done extra internships and worked on extra personal projects, I have made around 45 projects also for fun on my own because am so passionate about coding and I love learning new things and technologies. My dream was to always land a job abroad preferably from my end of studies internship (In my university as part of our last semester and in order to graduate we re asked to work on an end of studies project for 6 months, the best way to do this is by working for a good company during an internship to learn as much as possible) I’ve spent months searching for a good opportunity abroad for an end of studies internship but nothing instead I’ve settled for a good project idea in a really mediocre company that doesn’t even have an IT department, and during that time I kept on seeing my friends going abroad finding internships then jobs and starting their lives and really living meanwhile fast-forward to now I’m stuck here at the same position I was in last year still. However, I thought it’s okay things will get better for sure and I’m still working hard and learning new things to improve my chances.
After graduating, I’ve set this goal, if I couldn’t make it in a good company abroad I’m going to try and aim for the best companies so I’ve started grinding LeetCode (which is a website that offers you a lot of programming problems to solve to train you for interviews in big companies like Google, Amazon and such).
Anyways, sorry for the long introduction, but I wanted to say that I felt behind because despite all of my efforts to be a great software engineer and learn as much as possible, I mean I’ve graduated with 2 years already of experience and I was one of the best at my university and it hurts me to see that some friends of mine who works abroad now have found their chances so easily and these exact friends who in college I used to do their projects for them and help them with studying I’m not jealous of them am happy for them but still somehow it feels unfair, sometimes it feels like it will never happen to me and I don’t want that because it was my dream for 6 years, and I worked for it so hard and I’m still doing so. But sometimes it feels like I’m going nowhere if anything it feels like going backwards.
Khaled – it sounds like you’re doing ALL the right things, and you’ve essentially created your own internship for yourself by working on so many projects simply out of passion. It’s understandably frustrating when it’s taking longer than you want for things to work out, but with your level of passion, commitment, and perseverance, I have no doubt you’ll land the right opportunity, at the right time. In the meantime, I have a feeling this podcast episode might resonate with you.
Case of not what you know but who you know.
F*ck them.Make your own company and let success come to you. Don’t waste your skills by being employed and putting more money into someone else’s pocket than yours
Thank you so much!
This article is extremely useful. I’m sure I will revisit it and share it!
You’re so welcome! 🙂
Article is really helpful.
i 27 year not married, not graduated yet distractions like love and relationship, social media are diverting focus from the goals but have passion and determination to do something in life. However, opportunities lagging behind because of not completing graduation. The reason for not completing is simply not interested to invest so much time to achieve mere degree. very much interested to start a business in my relevant field but also have lot of competition and so much of capital required. what is the solution to excel in career within 3 years.
I struggle not to compare myself and obsess over little things or the excitement of the moment. I feel like the metric you described is much more achievable but also something I need to work very hard at
Glad this feels like a more achievable way to measure your progress, Sam! It does take some initial work to re-wire your mindset about this, but it’s SO worth it for the freedom on the other side.
Wow,,,,,, I wish you guys were my true life friends. I’ve never met anyone to sum up my feelings so accurately. I mean everything you said. Every point you made is nothing but truth! I feel different already! It all starts in the mind and how you put things in perspective. I was thinking all wrong.. I’m not a failure after all. I’ve been dealt a hell of a hand in life but I always seem to stay afloat! I will stop comparing my life to others, because the meaning of my life, is what I’m passionate about! Not what others feel success should be for me! 🙏🏽 Namaste sisters❤️
I love hearing that this resonated on so many levels, Regine! Here’s to creating life on YOUR terms, and not bothering how you compare to others’ journey (because it’s irrelevant to you, anyway!). ❤️🙌
Found myself agreeing with a lot at the beginning of this article, but got lost mid way through. Seems my issue is I don’t have any “real” friends/family to talk with after finishing school. I have a job and place to live but still feel behind. This leads to my family thinking I’m depressed, when I don’t talk to them because, truthfully I have nothing going on in my life and am no where close to the next “check-point.”
It was very, very great… At the age of 19, I recently came to your point of view that we should not compare ourselves with others in any aspect of life… Everyone should take their own unique path and It would be very good to work on different aspects of our physical, mental, family and social and spiritual relationships instead of comparing and creating a feeling of falling behind in life.
Thank you very much Christian. Sorry, my English is not very good 🙂
Felt like the best version of myself spoke to me in this writing. Everything in this writing is like about my own life. Every statement checks.
I am here reading this article because I am in a mad guilt of having wasted the last ten years of my life (my 20s) due to a lot of personal pain and abuses from the person very dear to me who I used to call father. I had to give up on my dreams to just breathe. Now I am a living dead with no spark in my eyes.
Do I have any other problems in my life right now?
No. It’s a dream life maybe for many others.
So, now I am the problem.
I want my younger self back who had momentum, was hard-working without caring about results, without caring who judged what and believed in herself that she is only going to get better no matter where she is now.
I want to be at a place where I should have been at this point in my life and its frustrating to not be anywhere around it.
The anxiety, palpitations, suffocated breaths for five years now and the dark sadness of five years prior to that are making me go all crazy.
Last week, I chose to work around with my life and to find answers, this is one of the pages I have come. I want answers. I want to know how to start. I do not have the stamina like that young girl. There is no pace.
Mental fatigue is real.
But i have just decided to continue. Continuing and gaining knowledge is the only way i can breathe well.
I am not doing to achieve something now. I am doing to respect my own self for having tried. I can love myself only if I work hard and be of use not just to myself but to others as well.
i hope i make it. I really, really hope.
Man, I remember feeling this way so often during my 20s. I got a job right after I graduated college that I was totally not passionate about and felt so stuck for years. 20 years later, I run a successful carpet cleaning franchise with my husband and have so much more freedom in my life. There truly is no timeline for life.
I feel this article so bad. I’m 25. Unemployed . I was always the smartest kid in the classroom. But after university everything changed. I lost my best friend. I started to feel I never liked the major I was studying and couldn’t keep going so I immediately started doing another major that I thought I liked but guess what, I couldn’t take it anymore too. I feel burned out after all my life studying and I feel I can’t do it anymore
My family feel so disappointed cause they thought I would become a doctor. I feel so depressed. I’ve never felt so alone in my life. I’ve started learning music which I always loved but Im too old to become someone in this major. I think I’ve lost everything without knowing a long time ago.
I always have people around me telling me not to compare myself to others and it actually frustrates me because there are many of us that have wants in life that have nothing to do with comparison to others but of where we are are in our lives and what we truly want. I’m 47 and in a hopeless pit right now of sadness because I have no kids, no husband, no potential suitors, currently unemployed and feeling just really lost and alone in life.
I feel the same. I’m 45 !
I am over 50 and feel like I have wasted my life. I can’t seem to figure out what I want to do when I grow up. I love to write, but can’t get myself to do it. I am in a dead end job and lost my husband three years ago. My son lives across the country and I am alone. I have a lot of ideas that I think are good, but I am stuck. Am I too old to find my spark? Thanks for listening.
Hi Jamie,
I’m sorry life has felt so challenging for a while! Your struggles are totally understandable. And, to answer your question, NO, you are not too old to reignite a spark! For a little inspiration, I recommend you listen to these two podcast interviews we did with former clients. One is in her late 40s and one is in her mid-50s:
https://clarityonfire.com/trusting-things-will-work-out-even-when-life-goes-sideways/
https://clarityonfire.com/getting-your-groove-back-with-kim-scott/