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A client of mine recently wrote to me saying:

“I feel like at my age, I’m SO far behind and need to be insanely productive every single day.”

She was referring to feeling behind in her career, which is something I hear all the time from my clients (regardless of their age). But feeling behind can spill into every area of your life.

If your friends start getting married while you’re still single, it can make you feel behind.

When your colleagues all have mortgages and you’re still renting a tiny apartment, it can make you feel behind.

When you scroll through social media and see all of your high school friends posting baby pictures, it can make you feel behind.

If you see someone else living out your dream career and you’re still stuck at the same old company, it can make you feel behind.


It makes sense why so many of us are feeling this way. For the first 18 (or more) years of our lives, we’re all pretty much on the same trajectory. While we’re in school, our paths are mostly laid out for us. We’re among peers, growing and going through the same milestones at the same general pace.

Then, after high school or college, we start going off on different paths, and the comparison about “who’s ahead” and “who’s behind” starts to gets murky.

So, because we don’t have clear indicators of measuring progress anymore — the way we did when we were in school — we end up comparing how “behind” we are based on external things we can see, like promotions, marriages, kids, houses, and other external mile markers.

But we forget that these factors are completely irrelevant.

Many of the people you see with all of the external things aren’t necessarily happy and content with their lives. (Trust me on this one — I’ve coached a lot of those people, and I know what’s going on under the surface of that carefully curated Instagram feed!)

So because we’re all human, which means we’re not going to be able to live in a bubble and stop comparing ourselves to other people, let’s come up with a new way of measuring our progress. One that’s true and accurate and takes into account what deeply matters.


I’ll admit, I used to feel weighed down by the “I’m so behind in life!” mentality, too.

It felt like, everywhere I looked, people were progressing faster than me. Hitting milestones earlier, climbing the ranks with more ease, figuring things out faster, leaving me in the dust wondering, “How did I fall so far behind?”

I thought the reason I felt this way was because I was doing something wrong. Maybe I’d focused on the wrong things after graduation, or maybe I just wasn’t meant to have the things that seemed to come so easily to other people.

But that wasn’t it at all. My comparison actually had nothing to do with what had happened (or NOT happened) in my life so far. It had everything to do with how I was feeling about my life at the time.

When I was unhappy with my job or my living situation or my social life, my first instinct was to look around and assume the reason for my unhappiness was because I lacked something that other people had.

But now I know better.

At this point in my life, I still haven’t hit a lot of the life milestones for a happy existence, according to societal norms (marriage, kids, house with a big backyard, luxurious vacations, etc.), but I no longer worry about being behind. That’s because I genuinely like the life I’ve built for myself because it aligns with what I most care about.

The reason I was unhappy before wasn’t because I was “behind” … it was because I didn’t know how to measure my life according to the things that actually matter to me.


So here’s how I measure my life nowadays to asses my progress and my happiness in a much deeper, more fulfilling way. I think these metrics apply to just about everyone, but feel free to edit this list based on what matters most to you:

If these are more accurate factors for determining how “ahead” or “behind” you are in life, then you’ve probably made way more progress than you thought.

Plus, the beauty of this new list of metrics for measuring happiness and progress is that you can achieve all of these things, in some way or another, regardless of your life circumstances!


Look, it’s OK to still want to hit those external mile markers. It’s natural to want the great job, the family, the beautiful house, and all of that. You want those things for a reason, and it’s even perfectly natural to feel jealous when you have a strong desire for something. I’m certainly not telling you not to want the things you want. I’m just asking you to seriously question WHY you want those things in the first place.

Pursuing external markers of success simply because you feel “behind” isn’t the right reason and isn’t going to lead to the results you want. On the other hand, when you make pursuing your NEW (internal) metrics for measuring progress the ones you care most about, the external ones are bound to follow naturally.

So have you been feeling behind lately? How will you define your new mile markers for measuring your progress? Leave a comment to let me know!

Much Love,

Kristen (& Rachel)


Why I love jealousy (and you should, too) (April 2018)

Stop looking for evidence of what you don’t want (November 2018)

Do you want it? Or do you only think you SHOULD want it? (January 2019)

Side Chat: The 4 Passion Profiles (December 2018)


Find out more about the Passion Profile Short Course

Take the Passion Profile Quiz

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  1. Very true ideas. I never liked the herd mentality that makes people get married, have babies and buy houses because “everyone is doing it”. Didn’t your Mom used to say “if everyone was jumping off a cliff would you?”
    Anyway. I only regret that I invested so much effort in my nonprofit career and made only meager success while being so poor that I didn’t marry and have kids which were things that I also longed to do. But I thank God I’m don’t get depressed over things like the size of my yard- many of these consumerist values a killing our planet.

    1. I’m sure my mom has used the phrase, “If everyone was jumping off a cliff, would you?” at least a couple of times in my life! 🙂 I’m glad to hear you’ve always been the kind of person who questions why you want things, instead of doing things just because “that’s what’s done.”

      And as for regretting never pursuing things that you longed for, like getting married and having kids, I say it’s never too late!

  2. This is so true. Lots of my friends have “careers” and make money, are either buying houses or planning to buy them. It always made me feel like I’m a failed adult. I had some serious anxiety attacks thinking about how old I am and how little I’ve achieved so far. But thankfully I have the most amazing partner, and every time I felt like I should make more money, or perhaps start saving for a car or a house, he would ask me “do you even want to have a house/car/that crappy job?” And usually, I actually don’t want all that.
    And social media is a horrible thing. I’m trying to stay off them as much as I can, because they only show what people want you to see. You usually read how people get promoted, travel, go for concerts etc. Friends of mine recently had a baby and judging from their facebook feed is was all perfect bliss. You’d think they have a flawless relationship and there’s only joy in their lives. But when I meet with them in person, they tell a different story. So that helped me stop caring what people post online. Everybody struggles sometimes.

    1. You’re so right! Social media definitely only tells a partial, more polished story of someone’s life. We do all struggle and doubt ourselves sometimes, and I guarantee you that all of those people with seemingly sparkly, perfect lives on social media are also feeling behind sometimes, just like you. I’m glad you have such a supportive partner to talk you down when you’re feeling anxious. You’re doing just fine, promise! 🙂

  3. I started a new way of using Facebook recently – because even when I was content in my own life I could get those common feelings of jealousy that can crop up. I didn’t want to delete people because most of them I didn’t have a problem with as people.

    I also didn’t want to delete my Facebook account either because there are parts of Facebook that I genuinely love – friends who’s posts I find witty and hilarious, private Facebook groups where I chat with my book club, keeping in touch with people I really connected with when I lived overseas.

    So I started to think ‘how can I make Facebook work for me?’ – so I’ve been slowly unfollowing almost every feed, being brutally honest about the friends I had where their achievements made me jealous or resentful rather than happy for them.

    I only see the newsfeed of about 10% of my Facebook friends now, as well as the pages I’ve liked that I find the most interesting.

    I find it freeing to not have the social markers thrown in my face all the time – something previous generations did not have to deal with! But also getting to keep the advantageous and connectedness social media can bring to people, means I get the best of both worlds!

    1. This is amazing! I love the idea of making Facebook work for you, instead of always feeling reactive to whatever posts it decides to throw your way each day. That way you’re getting to benefit from the best part of Facebook (keeping up connections that you value) without feeling weighed down by all the rest of the “noise” that just brings negativity and needless comparison. What a great idea! Thanks for sharing, Samantha.

  4. This article helped me from getting anxiety attacks! i so wanted to read something like this. 🙂 Thank you. I feel better & atleast i dont feel like a loser now. Life is so difficult 🙁

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